How Not Leaving Can Hurt Your Progress

I grew up sheltered. I knew the importance of the family structure to childhood development yet being confined at a young age left me wanting to know what was out there.

It wasn't about the parties for me or the stupid s*** kids do at young ages. It was about the simple things in life I felt I missed out on.

My southern daddy was always concerned for the safety of his children, he forgot that we needed to live and learn as much as we needed his protection.

I laugh now because although I understand what he was protecting us from, deep down although he would never admit it he never wanted us to grow up and leave.No matter how much of the world I wanted to see I became comfortable in not exploring life and leaving home.

I've never left. Maybe it feels that way because I've been places so close to home that don't look any different. Facades, that seem so similar to what I'm used to and air that no longer feels refreshing.

I've sat on the porch for years thinking about leaving. I've watched television shows of places I've wished to be and traveled through the experiences of others in conversation. I've watched the cycle happened.

Have you ever been stuck in a scenario multiple times that you started to believe there was no way out, so eventually you trick yourself into accepting the circumstances?

You know you don't enjoy your life. You work, go home and repeat 358 days a year for a job that doesn't make you happy. You cheat yourself out of exploring the fruits of life, the fruits of freedom because you're too afraid to tackle things you've never done before. You cheat yourself out of growth because you're afraid of the actual greatness you want to explore that lies outside of you. You cheat yourself because you don't want to end up like those people. But as much as you try to run you realize you're a part of those people.

It didn't hit me until I read this passage from Peace from Broken Pieces by Iylana Vanzant :

It is a function of the family cloth from which we are cut. In certain cases, like my case, you can awaken enough to decided early in life, I don't want to be like these people! Somewhere in your being, you know that something is not right. Unfortunately, when you are a child, you don't know how to change. You don't know how to not be like the people who feed, clothe, and shelter you. So you wait, growing more like them each day. You wait until you are old enough to move away, run away, hide from, or flat-out deny that you have anything at all to do with "these people". But sooner or later you realize that whether you are a block away, a state away, or on the other side of the world you cannot deny the fabric of your being. Somehow, you will discover that you do what they did, or you say what they said like they said it. Or you find that you act like the one person on earth you would not want to act like. Your mother perhaps. If not her, then your father for sure. And, just in case you're wondering, it doesn't matter if you knew them or not. That's the puzzling part! How is it that you end up with the karmic drainage and inherited damage of people you may not even know? This is the function of the family origin: The family sets up the pathology and the patterns that you are called to heal in your lifetime (25). 
I'm now reacessing the choices I've made:

When it came time to choose a college I stayed for fear of failing, for fear of being broke away from home as if being broke home saved me.

When it came time to break free, my personality did but I repeated the same lessons I told myself I didn't want to go through. Only afterwards I discovered I needed to learn I am not my mistakes but my progress.

I let a mental prison stop me from pressing forward and started to use the same excuses that prevented "those people" from getting what they wanted out of life. These physiological barriers got in the way of my opportunities and now that I can acknowledge it, I not only want to start over, I feel the need to leave. Emotionally, physcially, and mentally I am drained.

Sometimes you fall out of love with the same way of doing things. You fall out of love with the crisis of carrying your burdens and those of your family. You become tired of the consistent strain and the pain. You become tired of the sheltered life you came from and how it's now affecting your progress.

You don't want to be surrounded with the memories of a torturous past or what should of been so all that's left for the world to offer you is a ticket to anywhere but where you stand now.

And it doesn't mean you need to get up and never look back, but sometimes you just got to go and get your sanity.