20 Something Rants: I'm Tired Of Putting A Filter On My Life

Photo: GIPHY

I was analyzing an illustration by Rafael Alvarez. This illustration depicted a woman who appears to be on Facetime, happy, and smiling with the light focused on her. Outside of the focus a world of terror is erupting. I looked at the picture and thought hard about my own filters. Later on while surfing my Facebook feed I came across Are You Lost In A World Like This, a video animation by Steve Cutts. With more than 13,000,000 views I figured the message of the video has got to be telling and it was. When I arrived at 0:34 in the video, I saw a woman who once again was reminiscent of myself. It took me back to a recent conversation I had with my friend. We were chatting about summer and our goals, you know, the usual inspiration plan, plots and things. He told me: “Girl you are living the life”. I said: No! I'm just good at filtering my pain. I would hate to see someone looking at my life as a bundle of joy because I hide pain well. Filters give us the lighting that’s not in our lives. They correct crooked smiles, brighten dull ones, and enhance imperfections. They are really popping! Yet, filters also can hide our realities and make a frown appear as a smile. It’s like you don’t want to take a mask off for the sake of holding it together. You ever see someone so good at masking their struggle they make pain look unnatural? Have you ever seen someone so beautiful in all of their glory, but, you don't know their story? (Yeah, I stole a quote lmao) This is everyone I suppose because everyone has a struggle or hidden struggle. We all don't walk with our struggles on our sleeves, sh*t you'll barely see us on bended knee asking for help. Yet, I'm struggling with how I manage my struggle. I'm living between transversal worlds. The line is thin. It involves a woman who is living in poverty and a woman who is beginning to get out of it. The shared experiences between what this woman is living places her mind in a trans. That is because everything she views between what she has now and what the world has to offer her seems near and far. The world I know at night is limited to a woman who sleeps on the hardwood floors trying to prevent her family from falling on the concrete. The world of struggle is not a comfortable place for her to be in. She is not committed to the struggles although she bravely appreciates the lessons learned from the pain. During the day she's a Broke Black Bougie woman who is trying to make ends meet in a different world than where she derives. She is a recent college graduate who left to the break the cycle, after graduating she walked into the same circumstances. Yet, somehow she manages to tell herself what a wonderful world this it can be. This post isn’t about her, partially, but not. It’s about the filters in her life. The filters that may exist in everyone's life as they sometimes do to cover up pain and it's probably she's tired.

Tired as f*ck because:

1. That picture she took is popping but the place she took it in ain't
2. Even selfies contain broken fences
3. You can like where the picture is focused but, can you see what's on the outside?
4. It's okay not to be okay
5. She wants to leave the struggle so much she's confused about her successes
6. She wants to say f*ck filters however, she is comfortable in how they make her feel.


She's aware that sometimes it's not the filter that's the problem, it's the mindset of the person living in it. I would hate for her not to see the joys in her life because she's enduring temporary pain.

It's hard because once we get so used to filtering bullsh*t we never really filter it. It's like over applied makeup, and like makeup sometimes we forget its okay for filters to come off.