20 Something Rants: On Being Single Black Women

I thought my thoughts were going wild.

I was having dreams about who I would marry. Most importantly, how I wanted my future to look like as it pertained to being in love and having a relationship with a Black man.

I am a Black woman in professional schooling prepping for my career and hoping in the near future to settle down.

It seems the White women around me are fiancés, mothers or married. You know, living the "glamorous life".

After class last week, I was discussing with another fellow sista about dating in this stage in our lives. She asked me “girl, have you been dreaming or assessing when you’ll find the one”? I had to look at her like:

Media: GIPHY

And I’m also walking around expecting my prince to fall out of a bush somewhere randomly as I walk to class.

Media: GIPHY

We went back and forth sharing the similar feelings and emotions about relationships.

About how we want to love but the most important thing is being in a position to love ourselves first.

We talked about the stories we want to share with our future significant others without judgement or "perfect" expectations.

The stories about how dating, "talking", and exploration have become a game of people ending up as pawns instead of being checkmate.

That at times we need to check our own energies in order to understand the energy of the type of people we are attracting.

One of the most important things we discussed was that we allow ourselves to suffer when we cross paths with a new human who has potential.

We find ourselves dreaming of where shit could go, filling them out, day dreaming that this is it only to realize that they are just not into our journey or right for our spirit.

Only to realize that everyone we like or vibe with is not compatible for us and that is completely okay.

As sis and I were chattingggggggggggg we came to the conclusion that we are living in a different time of accessibility, curiosity and commitment.

We often compare this day and age to what is was like living back in the day. Yet, we forget that our lustful love for 90s music and "old school love" so to speak had its own set of challenges and issues among its time.

Nevertheless we are in a different space and world that seems too unfamiliar but it is so familiar that we understand the struggle of being Single Black Women.

How we want to be in a relationship that’s not solely based on sexual interest or the likes of a social media feed.

How it is NOT shallow for a woman to want to date a man who is attractive and has his priorities in order.

How we want to be able to share and explain our lives, life experiences without having someone who is negative and judgemental or always compares the women of his past to the women of his present.

How we are tired of building men who want to remain broken by perpetuating the all “b*tches ain’t shit mentality  and limiting all that we are to just being females”. And. Speaking. On. Tired.

We’re tired of the niggas who use female as an insult…(yeah I went there)
We’re tired of the 30+ year old men who prey on young women who they presume to be ‘broken’.
We’re tired of the bad DM traffic.
We’re tired of the men who don’t have their sh*t in order and approach you at your doorstep expecting miracles to arrive. But, the gag is the miracle isn’t anything substantial but subjective to just the physical attraction of your body.  
We’re tired of bad leads and tired of being tired and waiting on what seems like false dreams.
We’re tired of the niggas who say they’ll return your call and are interested in getting to know you...but really don’t have the attention span to remain focused.
We’re tired of the men who expect you to chase them. I’m sorry, but if we’re running a marathon together CAN. YOU. PICK. UP. YOUR. DAMN. FEET?
We’re tired of the good guys who expect to get in the cookie jar just because they’re sweet.
We’re  tired of the men who have respect for “certain kind of women” but really don’t have have respect for any.
We’re tired of the niggas who are soooooooooooo fione but have nothing to converse about besides sending numerous WYD? texts and laying empty kisses that taste like molded sardines.
We’re tired of the niggas who don’t have any respect for Black women but their mom and Grandma. You know who you are.
We're tired of asking our Black men "YA'LL DON'T GOT LOVE FOR BLACK WOMEN?" like Snoop Dogg when he had pressed the East Coast at the 1995 Source Awards.
We’re tired of the niggas who are afraid to say I️ don't know what I️ want.
We’re tired of the niggas who seek "p*ssy" for clout.
We’re tired of the niggas who act like they’re hot sh*t but the forget the women who put in the time and energy to help them shape up.
We’re tired of the men who ask questions like why are you single? And are you crazy?
As if anything so precious is not suppose to be crazy about one of the strongest, fragile muscular organs in her damn body.

I could go on…

Yet I won’t. The conversation between us resulted in a few lessons of what we actually want. And more importantly, what I want. I want:
Someone who understands that I️ look good but, I️ got a testimony and the glory that comes with it is not for those with faint ears and inconsistent interest.

Someone who understands that  if you’re interested you’ll work for it as I’ll do the same! You’ll  show interest and stand eager to know someone beyond lust and surface level sh*t.

Something that I don’t ever have to second guess the intentions, progress, or where I am going in time.

You’ll seek me because you want me not because you are bored and tired of being alone (Al-Green voice).

You’ll create creative questions to get to know me, you’ll focus on friendship that builds towards something greater. And. If. You. Are. A. F*ckboy. You’ll. Be. Real. Enough. To. Address.It.  And. Understand. That. I. Will. Not. Waste. My. Time. With. You.

I am nowhere near perfect, but, I am damn sure no where near broken. And with that being said I refuse to look for angels in a world of people who are unattached and just getting to understand themselves.

I rather be compatible with my damn self before bringing another person in my life.

Overall, throughout my discussion with her some soulful experiences occurred. Of course, they were all associated with love songs.

There were four messages that came to my mind from our discussion relating to the Aretha Franklin songs Angel and That’s Life.

The first deals with finding a soulmate the urgency to find an Angel ( a person of interest to love, fly away with and set your spirit free):

Too long have I loved so unattached within
So much that I know that I need somebody so
So I'll just go on hoping that I find me someone
Gotta find me an angel in my life

The second deals with finding misery within dating, rather than finding and preparing ourselves for the best experiences that have yet to come. We want nothing more than to love someone but yet the biggest love is to love ourselves. This love comes with patience.

Αnd there's no misery ooh like the misery I feel in me
Gotta find me an angel...In my life

The third refers to the roles we’ve played and the experiences we’ve had in the game of life.

I've been a puppet, pauper, pirate
Poet, pawn and a queen
I’ve been up, I’ve been down
I’ve been over, I’ve been out
And I learned one thing
That every time I see myself, fallin’ flat on my face
This is what I do
Say get up girl, oh get up girl, oh get back in the race

And the fourth refers to growing up and feeling the urge to find someone, the basis of the conversation that led me here to write this post.

I gotta find me an angel in
In my life
(You'll meet him now don't you worry)
In my life
(Keep looking and just keep cooking)
In my life
(He'll be there, now don't you worry)
In my life

(Aww, the gender roles in this 1973 song.)

Anywho, I came to the conclusion that I am going to be alright. We are going to alright and as Black women the greatness we are is not subjected to what someone can or cannot see or who we have on our shoulder. Our greatness is not based on the shit We. Are. Tired. Of. but what we will put up with and what can dilute our shine. Our greatness is not about rushing to be cuffed and becoming tired...

Be tired and pressed for your growth!

But always remember,

Girl, f*ck it! Throw your ass in a circle and don’t let them shake your positive energy.

- A Word


  1. This!!! I think the biggest thing for me is learning to be self-confident and just being patient when it comes to love.

    1. So deep! I agree. It's all about working on yourself and being patient.

  2. Completely agree that self-love is the start. Also love what you said about focusing on friendship that builds towards something greater, that solid foundation is everything. Great post!

    1. Thanks so much! I truly appreciate your visit!