My Jordan Year Has Started With Me Tripping Over My Shoelaces.

For the past few months I’ve been begging my mother to place me back in her uterus so I
can start life over because I CANNOT with adulthood.

When I first told her of my request she laughed at me and said “poor baby”. I’ve been begging her on the
phone everyday like “I’m ready now, any time soon to go back in”.
She always says “I’m too damn big to go back up in her”.


So when my birthday came around I shot her a beautiful GIF
referencing my request. She so gracefully knowing exactly what I was asking tells me ‘no. no.' 

When the clock turned 12:00am on July 13, 2018, I just wanted to tell my momma
that I was  truly happy.

For this past week I’ve been mentally exhausted tripping over my shoelaces in a puddle of tears
that started trailing since the New Year began.

This year I deaded negative humans, tried my role at forgiving, and started focusing on
healing and renewing my spirituality.

I really started to focus on my energy and my moods. I wanted to get to know myself at my worse.
I cut my damn hair off and learned I actually look good with short hair (LMAO).
I had struggle hair too, an unfortunate phase of wearing raggedy wigs, with curls that had worn out.  I
realized that I’m strong but I’m also fragile.

And unfortunately when I need to I refuse to be vulnerable.

Roughly 6 months ago I had it all figured out as to where I would be and what
I was going to do with the cookies presented on my plate.

This birthday month was challenging. I’m not ready to talk about it yet because I have not completely
got over this hump. Oh, but when I do, you better believe my ass will be chatting.

Now, I’m choosing to eat pain because if nothing else is fulfilling whatever hellholes in the future
are thrown on my plate I can digest it. Whatever pain I’ve currently feel, the pain is only temporary.

Some days I wake up and want to go back to sleep. Other days I try to fight through
whatever struggles I’m enduring. I realized I can only fight for so long without my mental health

The most stressful thing about struggle and rain storms is when the rain consistently comes it
won’t let up. I honestly CAN’T STAND THE RAIN. I’ve found myself this year
losing faith and feeling unprotected by the powers that I always felt stood by my side.

Every reflection I made so far I’ve realized I’ve broken so many promises I’ve worked hard to keep.

Today I can admit:  I still struggle with comparisons, I’m learning to understand my setbacks
and fighting to live each day like I’m dying.

Every once in a while a mid-quarter life crisis hits me.

In all of the things I’ve learn in the 22nd chapter of my life its that:

- Forgiveness is for you
- Cherish your mother
- Your word is your bond
- Titles definitely don’t mean shit unless you admittedly work everyday towards
progress and getting to understand those in your circle. This includes friends, family, etc.
- In the words of Bobby Womack “Nobody wants you when you’re down and
out” so find a way to love and depend on yourself when no one,
no social media, no electronics, and the lights of the world close out.
I’m honestly just going to try to live as best as I can while I can before it’s time to
kick the bucket. Yes, I may be too young to talk like this but the reality is one day on this earth I will
no longer be here. That's why when I face obstacles I must learn to be grateful and enjoy
every moment including the hard ones.

At times I struggle with isolating myself through my storms and because I'm aware of this in my 23rd
chapter I'm hopeful this year I can be more transparent with my emotional needs to bring new
opportunities and room for growth.

I'm sure I will keep you all posted.